Random act of Supidity
by NaughtypastryChef
Summary: Five vampires and one human play a movie quote game, first one to laugh loses. M for language.
1. Chapter 1

**I own nothing. Here's the deal: I've got a touch of writer's block and this came to me. I'm kinda disappointed with myself for writing it, let alone posting it. But honestly, this is my humour. Make of it what you will, but if you think I'm funny, let me know.**

**Imagine Whirled Peas**

**The NaughtyPastryChef**

**Summary: Five vampires and one human play a quote game with no end. First one to laugh loses. **

Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, Edward and I were sitting in a circle. I had been granted the honor of picking whatever mundane (Rosalie's description, not mine) game we would play tonight until it was time for bed for the human.

When I was little my mother and I used to play this game; Using only movie quotes that sort of string together, you must trade turns until someone laughs. Obviously it would be much different with five vampires that had been around for longer than movies, but I thought it could be funny still.

"Okay, I'll start then Em, Rose, Alice, Jasper, Edward and then back to me? Everyone understand the premise? Okay, let's begin."

I turned to Emmett, trying to think of a good one for him. I grinned as I thought of one.

Bella: You stuck up, half-witted, scruffy looking, nerf herder!

Emmett: Who's scruffy looking?

Rosalie: I see you shiver in an..tici……pation!

Alice: Oh Rocky! (I had to force the laugh down on that one, as she threw her arms around Jasper when she did it)

Jasper: Holey Rusted Metal Batman!

Edward: AS YOU WISH!! ( I slapped Edward on the arm, he was supposed to make me laugh, not make me swoon)

Bella: Inconceivable!

Emmett: Anybody want a peanut?

Rosalie: AHHHH! I've pierced the toast! (this one was tough, Rosalie being Nathan Lane being a flamboyantly gay guy? Classic)

Alice: Wait dey are sheemps!

Jasper: Fuck the shrimp!

Edward: It's da shooze!

Bella: I signed that waver thingy, so just feel free to stick things in my slot. (I watched Emmett shiver as he bit down a normal response before tuning to Rose)

Emmett: Mama says life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

Rosalie: Run Forrest RUN!

Alice: I'm Captain Jack Sparrow!

Jasper: Clearly, you've never been to Tijuana

Edward: Five of you tried to Kill me, one of you succeeded

Bella: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

Emmett: You are weak potter!

Rosalie: You're a wizard Harry

Alice: HOW DARE YOU STEAL THAT CAR!

Jasper: Let us hope Mister Potter will always be around to save the day.

Edward: You know the prefects bathroom on the third floor? It's not a bad place to take a bath.

My breathing grew heavy, and I heard stifled laughter from somewhere, but I couldn't take my eyes from Edward's to see who it was. I had to win this game now, or I might do something in front of the family that I would regret.

I searched my mind for the winning quote and soon I had it. It was not funny in it's own right, but said properly and in front of Edward, I knew it would be the winner. I let a smile from on my face as I turned to Emmett. He had already had to stifle laughter, so this should be a piece of cake.

Bella: OK... not! Fuck, shit, cock, ass, titties, boner, bitch, muff, pussy, cunt, butthole, Barbra Streisand! (As Eric Cartman, I am totally cracking up on the inside)

Emmett was about to continue, but he saw the look on Edward's face, which I could picture without turning. Emmett lost his mind, followed by everyone in the family except Edward. I clutched at my stomach and rolled on the floor, crying tears of laughter.

Edward looked stunned and a little…turned on? I couldn't really tell, he picked me up in his arms and ran me up to his room where he tossed me onto the bed and locked the door behind him.

My giggled stopped as he turned to face me with black eyes. My crooked grin appeared on his face before he stalked me up to the bed and opened his mouth to speak.

"Bella love, I never knew you could speak like that. I must say, it is quite a turn on. What else can I get you to say to me?"

**It's stupid, I know, but I totally needed a distraction. Besides I warned you. Anyone who cares to know what all of the quotes are, feel free to review and ask! PS, Once I remembered that quote from Cedric Diggory about the bath, I totally had to have Edward lean into Bella and say it, be still my heart….**


	2. Chapter 2

**I own nothing. Well, except for some mismatched towels that I should be folding right now but, whatever. So, I got such a great response from this story that I figured I would see if I could make you all laugh again. I'm not planning on turning this into a continuous thing, but whatever. To mischeif-maker1 and renji-kun thanks for the quotes. If you want this thing to go on, review first, then send me quotes to use. Thanks,**

**Imagine Whirled Peas**

**The NaughtyPastryChef**

**BPOV**

So here we are, another boring day with nothing to do. Alice liked my game so much the last time we played, that she is now DEMANDING that we play again. Even Rosalie seemed to enjoy herself.

I know that Alice and Jasper had been watching funny movies non-stop since the last round, so I dug into my wealth of useless knowledge for this one. I put my game face on and told Emmett to start this time.

I had a feeling that this round would be different, and boy, was I right.

Emmett: You TELL ME where my suit is woman!

Rosalie: We're talking about the greater good here!

Alice: The greater good? I am your wife! I'm the greatest good, you're EVER gonna get.

Jasper: He's the cheese to my macaroni

Edward: Remove head from sphincter, then drive!

Bella: I'll cut your heart out with a spoon

Emmett: Wait…master it might be dangerous…..you go first

Rosalie: I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes!

Alice: I see that your schwartz is as big as mine

Jasper: You're not the man I knew ten years ago

Edward: It's not the years honey, it's the mileage

Bella: ven you got it, flaunt it

Emmett: chewing gum helps me think

Rose: Honey you're wasting your gum

Alice: You just afraid of my guatamalaness

Jasper: my natural heat

Edward: I'm disgusted and repulsed and yet…I can't look away

Bella: Can you hammer a six inch spike through a board with your penis?

Emmett: well, no…

Rose: A girl's gotta have her standards

Alice: Officer down Officer down!

Jasper: Has the officer been shot?

Edward: No the officer's been bitten by a fucking badger

Bella: badges, we no need no stinking badges

Emmett: Where are all the white women at?

Rose: Lizard? Who are you calling a lizard? Your mother was a lizard.

Alice: I…I believe you have my stapler

Jasper: We are the nights who say, "NI!"

Edward: Great Scott!

Bella: I'm experimenting with some very unstable HERBS

Emmett: ask me about my wiener!!!!!!

I lost it. Emmett yelling at us to ask him about his wiener was the funniest thing I have ever heard in my 18 years of life. I fell on my back, tears streaming down my face and rolled on the floor. Every time I thought I was done, I just had another attack of the giggles.

Even Edward, who normally would have groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose in disgust, was laughing. We all were, who could help it. Unfortunately, that is when Carlisle and Esme got home from their weekly date.

They walked in the front door and took one look at us and burst out laughing. I guess Jasper was projecting.

"Not that I mind, but why am I laughing?" Carlisle managed to get out between laughs. I spoke up, but unfortunately, my head was still jumbled and the only two words that came out of my mouth were:

"Emmett's ….wiener!"


	3. Chapter 3

**I own nothing. So, wow. That's really all I can say. WOW. You have all floored me with the response to this "I gotta get over my writer's block" silly little story. So, since I've updated everything else today, I figured I would try my hand at this one again.**

**Thanks to everyeone for all the suggestions. KEEP THEM COMING!**

**Imagine Whirled Peas**

**The NaughtyPastryChef**

**BPOV**

Once the laughter over "Emmett's wiener" died down, Carlisle and Esme asked what we were doing and, before I could open my mouth, Alice was telling them about the game.

They laughed and asked if they could join in. The more the merrier. So, now with Emmett having won once and myself having won once, Rosalie and Alice looked determined to win.

I began the game hesitantly, not sure how much I could handle from my two sisters-to-be. They had the possibility of being scary funny. Since Carlisle and Esme were new to the little game, they opted to go last.

Edward: Good morning sunshine, the earth says hello

Bella: I'm offering you my body and you're offering me semantics?

Emmett: I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Rose: OOOOH, Navy Seals

Alice: 37! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!

Jasper: In a row?

Carlisle: I hate to see you go, but I LOVE to watch you leave…

Esme: If you're gonna spew man…spew into this

Edward: I'm smitten…I'm in deep smit!

Bella: Come let us dance like children of the night!

Emmett: come on Kate, it's time to put your mouth where our balls are

Rose: Never drum on a white ladies boobies at a redneck dance. Got it.

Alice: This is my Peter- uh my friend Peter. We met at the intersexual.. homosection…INTERSECTION

Jasper: Can I borrow your panties for 10 minutes?

Carlisle: I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek!

Esme: What's a-happenin hot stuff?

Edward: No more yankie my wankie, the Donger need food!

Bella: I suck dick for COKE! (There was an intake of breath at this one. I waited, but no one broke out laughing. Time to up my game!)

Emmett: I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know that or, uh, His Dudness or, uh, Duder or, uh, El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

Rose: I'm sorry your stepmother is a nympho.

Alice: Oh, you do smell good!

Jasper: I'm your huckleberry…

Carlisle: Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.

Esme: Snootch to the motherfucking nooch!

Edward: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.

Bella: You hear that Ben? Don't let him near the kid, he wants to REAR your child!

Emmett: Dude when is being whipped a bad thing?....Ever?

Rose: Isn't my house Classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972.

Alice: He does dress better thank I do…What would I bring to the relationship?

Jasper: The list is long, but distinguished.

Carlisle: Yeah, well so is my Johnson.

Esme: Searching for a boy in high school is like searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore Movie!

It was too much; Esme quoting Clueless, and that quote. She always seems so proper! To hear her talk in the valley girl tone of voice was…well...let's just say that I wasn't the first person to laugh.

After the laugher died down I couldn't help but yawn. Edward scooped me up in his arms and ran me to his bedroom. He laid me out on the bed and kissed me before pulling the covers over me.

"But I wanna play more. It's fun with Carlisle and Esme…Oh, can we play a Christmas version?" My eyes were closed, so heard and felt his chuckle but didn't see it. Before my foggy brain finally gave in to sleep, I heard voices yelling from downstairs.

"OOOHHHHH! A Christmas Version! Bella you are a genius. And you are so going down on that one!" I laughed myself to sleep in Edward's arms.

**Okay people, you have your mission, If you'd like a special Christmas chapter, leave me reviews with quotes. Oh, and I'm thinking that I WILL accept Christmas Carol lines…**


	4. CHRISTMAS

**I own nothing. I am so glad that you all like this story. Here's your Christmas version. I hope you like…**

**Imagine Whirled Peas**

**The NaughtyPastryChef**

I woke up in the morning to the most beautiful sight in the world; Edward's smiling face. I sighed in pleasure and leaned up to place a chaste kiss on his cold, marble lips.

"Good morning love." His topaz colored eyes dazzled me awake further. I noticed something different about his room this morning, but I couldn't place it immediately. Once I realized what it was, I shot up out of his bed.

"It's sunny! We're all stuck inside! That means we can play the game again!" I started a goofy little happy dance before I realized how silly I looked and blushed crimson. Edward laughed and gracefully made his way over to me to wrap his arms around my waist.

"Yes, love it does mean that. Get ready and we can head down stairs. I should warn you though, my family has been up watching Christmas Movies all night." I sighed and leaned into his embrace.

"Alright, I'll get ready and meet you down stairs." I ran into the bathroom and shut the door behind me, excited to get going with the day. I had a feeling that this would be an interesting round.

After we had fed the human, all of us resumed our seats from the night before; I noticed that Alice was vibrating in place. I turned my eyes to her with a question on my lips.

"I'm going to win today!! Don't bet against Alice!" I laughed and turned to Esme, who I had asked to start us off today.

**Esme**: And they call him Sandy….Clawsssssss

**Edward**: Kidnap the Sandy Claws/ beat him with a stick/ Lock him up for ninety years/ see what makes him tick

**Bella**: Attacked by Christmas Toys? That's strange, that's the second toy complaint we've had

**Emmett**: I fell down the chimney and landed on a flaming hot goose!

**Rosalie**: Blast this Christmas Music, it's joyful and triumphant

**Alice**: Since I am dead, I can take off my head (she sung, it took me a minute to get it, but it was all I could do not to laugh and end the game right there)

**Jasper:** There's no Christmas in the ARMY!

**Carlisle:** I must stop Christmas from coming ---but how? I MEAN, in what way?

**Esme**: Get me standards and practices in here. I wanna see wreaths.

**Edward**: You're a tad off base, sir. That thing looked like the Manson Family Christmas Special

**Bella:** I've always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn't notice. It's some deep seated childhood thing.

**Emmett**: So is my thing for tits.

**Rosalie**: Grandma got run over by a reindeer

**Alice:** Grandpa's gonna sue the pants off of Santa

**Jasper**: Buddy, you should know that your father….He's on the naughty list

**Carlisle**: SANTA!! OH MY GOD, SANTA'S COMING!!! I KNOW HIM!!!

**Esme:** Damn, how can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What' next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?

**Edward:** Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

**Bella:** Merry Christmas, shitter was full.

**Emmett**: Good night Santa. Good night Mrs. Santa's sister…

**Rosalie**: Santa likes to fuck fat chicks in the Ass

**Alice:** Fuck me Santa, Fuck me Santa, Fuck me Santa!

Well, Alice was right, never bet against her. But the best was the reaction from Jasper, who flooded the room with waves of embarrassment, which, once he got it under control, only made us all laugh harder.

I guess we know their Christmas costumes….


	5. Chapter 5

**I own nothing. Here's the next installment. This story, I think, has developed a plot, which is just freaking insane. ENJOY! REVIEW!**

**Imagine Whirled Peas**

**The NaughtyPastryChef**

**BPOV**

After Alice's win of the Christmas round, Rosalie decided that we would play again. She refused to accept that Alice, Esme, Emmett and I had won and she hadn't. her vanity knows no bounds.

I sighed, but I was excited to play again. I had been searching my memory for some good quotes; I think I can win again. Since Rosalie demanded the re-play, she was allowed to go first.

**Rosalie:** Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with a little hat on?

**Alice: **You see this jacket I'm wearing, you like it? Because I don't really need it, I'm cloaked in Failure!

**Jasper:** Shh, listen. Do you smell something?

**Carlisle: **Quick Darling, back in the closet!

**Esme: **What if, at a key moment in the game, my uniform bursts open and, oops, my bosoms come flying out? That might draw a crowd.

**Edward: **You think there are men in this country that ain't seen your bosoms?

**Bella: **I'm sorry, I'm just a little pregnant here…

**Emmett: **Hey baby, ever have your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?

**Rosalie: **DON'T EVER STOP FUCKING ME!!!

**Alice:** Holy Fuck the little stoner was right

**Jasper: **Don't be stupid, be a smartie, come and join the Nazi party!

**Carlisle:** Off to find the mythical clitoris!

**Esme:** Come on out. Oh, the weather outside is weather

**Edward:** Oh God, you mean that smell is you? If I could bottle you I'd shove you under my armpits everyday.

**Bella:** All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'.

**Emmett:** When life gives you lemons, you say "fuck the lemons" and bail.

**Rosalie:** But how could you see me, the glass was frosted?

**Alice:** Now just because someone sees two naked people asleep in bed together, it doesn't necessarily prove that sex was involved. It does, however, make for a very strong case.

**Jasper:** Don't fuck with the Jedi Master, Son.

**Carlisle: ** By the way, I loved you in the Wizard of OZ.

**Esme:** That's the bedroom, but nothing ever happened in there

**Edward:** I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave.

**Bella:** Whoa, that's a big butt.

**Emmett: **I dare you to touch the butt…

**Rosalie: **I will not be muzzled out by an e…jaculation!

I snorted in laughter. It was the perfect quote for Rosalie. We had just recently bought Mamma Mia and I could totally picture Rosalie playing that part. It was too funny. I looked over at Rose and gave her a goofy thumbs-up.

She actually smiled back at me, while I was occupied, Edward pulled me back into him. I continued to laugh into his chest; I could feel him laughing too. Edward asked me a question.

"This is so much fun. Bella, I still think that I can win though. Rematch?"


End file.
